Tuesday, February 22, 2011

PITY PARTY FOR ME

I know this blog is about how adoption has affect our lives, but sometimes I just need a pity party. So today is my day. It is cold, once again, and gloomy outside so I am declaring this my pity party day.

I just need to vent. 21 years ago I married my husband. As like most marriages we have had our ups and downs. I worked until my first born was ready to go to school. I then became a stay at home mom. My husband's word where, I will provide for us, you take care of the kids. For years this has happened. Now we have one in college, living on his own in an apartment, a junior in high school, a 5th grader and a kindergartener. Yes, I should be grateful for everyone being in school. Times have changed. Jobs have changed and the economy, well what can I say.

My husband has owned his own business since before we were married. He started out in mowing and landscaping and then went into irrigation. Everything was rolling along just fine. We were not rich, but we could pay our bills and still have a little play money. Then the economy bottomed out. Well, you know where I am going with this. Yes, things got tough. We struggled and struggled. We thought we were back on our feet and then his accident. Then one thing after another. So I am going to say this. As of Dec. 1st, we have had no income coming in except for the money I make babysitting the twins. Talk about struggling. You don't know until you are at this point. I hear people talking about scheduling their vacations and I am jealous. I have not had one of those for about 5 years now. I hear people talking about not having money for the movies, clothes. If they only know, sometimes we do not have money for food. But I smile and just go on. One of my facebook friends sent me a message saying, I never see you without a smile on your face. I guess I wear the mask well. I would love to be able to take the mask off and really smile from my heart again.

Randy has been working on State job since June. Yes, as organized as I am, I am still wondering why it is still not complete. I think they needed a women managing the job. As of today, Feb 22nd, he is still on this job. The thing about this job is that it takes him out of town for a week at a time. So I have been basically a single parent for 9 + months now. Not what I signed up for. Then in January, Randy takes a CDL driving class that takes him out of town for 5 more weeks. The weather shut his job down for about 6 weeks. Ok, I am still here raising the kids and keeping things together.

In the mean time, the furnace went out, the trooper broke, the oven burned out and long with everything else that breaks when you are all by yourself. To add to things, I have been sick since January. I had the stomach bug then the head stuff. I thought I was getting better other than my cough that caused me to cough up a second lung. Now I am sick again. Can't afford to go the Dr., so will just have to wait it out. How much am I suppose to take? I am tired, very tired. I am not one to ask for help, but I have sucked up the pride and done it lately. What else am I suppose to do?

And to add to things, Randy applied for unemployment and was denied. Why? They said that when you are an owner of a business, you quit. He still has the business, but no work. How can that be quit. So we are appealing the decision. But in the meantime what are you suppose to do? I am out of answers. I have applied at all of the 24 hours stores for work in the middle of the night. But when I fill out the applications, I always seem to be over qualified. I just want to bring in a little extra income. I did not know that that many people wanted to work in the wee hours of the night.

Anyway this is my pity party day today. I am feeling sorry for myself. I am out of answers. I have prayed, cried, prayed, cried to no avail. I feel like my prayers are hitting the ceiling and falling back down and smacking me in the face. I have so many things to be thankful for, but life seems to be blocking my view on these things.

Just need to vent what I have been holding back for months now. I know things will get better, but when will that ever happen? I have faith that God will not let me down, but today I feel the faith is not here.

Please pray for our family. We need to find some answers and some jobs.

I AM TIRED, VERY TIRED.




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5 comments:

Susan Appleton said...

Kim, I am so sorry that you guys are having such a rough time! I think when you're sick it also makes things that are bad seem even WORSE! I know that right now I am struggling with some things and now my back is acting up! I've never had back problems before and this is pretty severe! I don't know what to say to help you feel better except to know that I sat right here in my livingroom just now and prayed a prayer for you and your family!!! I am sending you big hugs and loving thoughts all the way from my home to yours right now girl!!! And don't worry about having a "pity party" because we all do it and then (in the words of something I saw in Cracker Barrel one time) we put on our big girl panties and deal with it! hahahahahahahaha That always paints a pretty picture for me! hahahahaha I sure do love you girl even though I haven't see you or Talicee in a year! We always plan to be at the FCC get togethers and then someone gets sick or something happens and we can't make it. We still love you guys though! Please know that you have a friend in Danville that cares about you and wishes you and your family happier, more secure times! Hang in there as I know you will because you're the "MOMMA" and that's just what we do! ((((BIG HUGS)))))
Love,
Susan

Nate said...

Kim, I will pray for you and your family. Sounds like you are at the end of your rope...no wonder with everything you've had to deal with. Get better soon. Amazing how hard it is to cope when you are feeling so sick!! May God bless you at this time. I know HE knows and HE cares.

Becky said...

Dear Sweet Kim,

Great big hugs! I can only imagine what your going through. When your sick and you don't have your spouse around it just seems everything is darker. I pray that things will turn around for you and your family. The weight we moms bear is great, and we feel we can't just complain. We feel it is our duty to just shut our mouths and suffer in silence trying all along to take care of our families. You have every right to express yourself and feelings. I wish I could say something that would make it better, but God is the only one that can. You and I both know that he always does things in his time. Hang in there!

It has been a tough couple of months for us here too. Scott at least still has his job, but got down graded. So things have been crazy.

Keep in touch and please if you feel like just talking I am here. Just email me if you like and I can call you.

Hugs to everyone but especially to you my friend!!!

Bobby and Regina said...

Kim, We will be praying that things will smooth out soon!! God is the potter, remember, and sometimes He uses these things to smooth us to better reflect Him. You will come through this, and by your experience, will be a blessing to someone else who will suffer similarly - God always uses things to His glory, and your testimony of this trial will help someone else!! In the meantime, I am praying for you!

Casey said...

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles lately. I think it is very good to vent and express how you are feeling. And there is absolutely no shame in asking for help. In this economy and world, it is a necessity to help our neighbors. Praying for you and the family, Kim.